Friday, September 13, 2013

Football Season Is Here!

With the Patriots' 13-10 win over the Jets last night, football season has officially begun!

Confession: I didn't watch the game.  In fact, I just googled the score.  But I will shamelessly throw it around the ole proverbial water cooler today.  "Didja see that game last night? Whew!  What an ugly offensive game*, amiright?" (*Boston.com's words, not mine.)
It's not that I don't like sports.  I grew up playing sports, and wore wind pants and tee shirts every day right up through seventh grade, just so I'd be fully prepared to hit the field with the boys during recess.  (Note: I also wore wind pants as an attempt to ward off the side-effects of puberty, i.e. liking boys and growing feminine curves.  It seemed to have been successful only in the latter, much to my later dismay.)  I've just never been an avid sports-watcher, save a good playoff game or series.  Yup, I'm what you might call a fair-weather fan.  World Series 2004?  You'd better believe I was donning a Red Sox tee and throwing my fist in the air every time "we" made a run.  (Scored a run? Got a run? Ran a run? See, this is how much I care.)

So what is it about sports-watching that I don't like?  Perhaps it has something to do with this:


I don't like football partly because of the players.  I don't think a bunch of men with big muscles in skin-tight uniforms is very attractive!  Also, I don't like the cheerleaders.  They wear shirts that show their whole stomachs, and skirts that are almost illegal!  Some of them wear cowboy boots up to their thighs!  I don't think a real cowboy could have mounted a horse with those boots!
This obviously real life cowboy would disagree:


[Editor's note:  Since the original publishing of this op-ed  commentary on the NFL, the author has not only recanted her statement that men with big muscles in skin-tight uniforms are not attractive, but she has also been seen in public wearing crop-tops and mini skirts, once simultaneously, and has never been arrested because of it.]

Luckily, I did not have to subject myself to the horrifying display of the human form that was Superbowl XXXIII:

I was glad to discover that we didn't get the Superbowl. [on TV] Instead, we watched 'Muppet Treasure Island'!
My father was less glad, I imagine, and since this was before we had the internet, he was the only one singing "We've Got Cabin Fever" around the water cooler the following day.

Sorry, Dad.  In case you were still wondering, the Broncos beat the Falcons 34-19.

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